I don't give a fck :)a tumblelog

14

Hey all, I’m back!

I’ts been ages I wrote, but now I’m here and I’mma tell you everything.

First of all, I’m doing fine, things seem to get better and better, everything’s okay at home too. The fights I had with those stupid bitches semm to fade, but unfortunately I still remember what they did to me. And that’s the reason why I’m never gonna let them to get closer to me.

Being a good person feels good. Now I really see. I’m not talking behind people’s back, I’m not gossiping and it’s also making my things go easier. I see things what I didn’t before, though they were always right in front of me. I’m still not talking with my ex best friend, but I know this is the best for us. I heard rumors about that she’s missing me and stuff, but I apologised 2 times, she rejected me twice in a disgusting way so I don’t think I should beg. If she wants something she’s gonna make a move, or not. Actually I don’t even care, coz I have My Own Personal Best Friend whom I adore :) <3

Studying and dancing rehersals are taking away several hours of my day and I barely have a chance to meet with the others, but I’m a senior, studying is more important over everything now. I’m doing well at school, everything went back to normal.

Let’s talk about boys. Now I feel that I truly don’t need “my” boy. We ran into each other a few times, but that’s all. And I’m glad it happened in this way, everything’s cool now.

A new boy came into my life…I have to correct myself…he’s not new, he’s my classmate for four years now. After my fight, he helped me a lot and the other’s too of course. We became closer friends, I like being around him, but that’s all for now. Let’s see what the future brings.

Other things: I just watched New Moon with my bestie and my friends yesterday. Damn, it was awesome! I can’t say any more. It was fantastic!

I’m tired now, think I’mma go to sleep. Have a nice day everyone! :)

xo

posted 2 years ago

13

Oh, God…who’s laughing at the end? Me!

I just received a letter from a classmate whom I had fights…she was the leader in the “Hating Ashley Campaign”. I was pretty shocked, coz I didn’t even had an idea what the hell she wants from me. Then I read. She would like to talk to me, coz she can’t stand this situation and she’s sorry about it. Isn’t it pathetic?

She looked through me, betrayed me, deceived me and now she’s apologizing. How funny is that? Okay, one thing is true, the basic reason why she wants to talk to me on Monday, coz her “puppy“‘s not coming to school. If her puppy would be there too I don’t think she would be that brave to talk to me.

Anyways I gotta say that whatever happened, I’m a bit happy.

Not because it seems like that I’m getting back those friends I lost, coz I don’t even want them back and I don’t want to have them around anymore. After these fights I never treated them like dirt, I didn’t look through them, I treated them like before, I tried to talk to them like before just to make things easier. Now I can make things clearer and tell her what I think and I’ll get to hear everything I want. This is gonna be a life-changing situation for me I think, in a good way.

I don’t want to be their friends anymore, I don’t wanna hang with them. I’m not mad, all I feel for them is thankfulness. Because they opened my eyes, they set a mirror in front of my behaviour and how I hurt people. I needed this hit really. Now I see that in one point they were right, and I’m really thankful, but the way they dealt with me…that wasn’t correct I think. They only showed me the way how to be a good person and they helped me to find my best friend and my real friends. :) I’m the winner of this battle, and all I gotta say is THANK YOU! Now I see that everything I’ve been through was definitely worth the wait, the pain I felt. But now I gotta continue being a good person. I don’t wanna fall back. I’m really trying to change and now I see the result.

THANK YOU!

xo

posted 2 years ago

12

It’s like it was a million year ago I wrote. I don’t know where to begin. I had fights @ school with my “friends”. But it’s a closed case now and I’m glad that we could talk it out once and for all. Now I know who’s my best friend, who are real friends and who are JUST friends. I thought like it was a loss at first but now I know that it was the best for everyone. I admitted that I was wrong and I did bad things with several of my friends. My mom says that it was a healthy thing to do, coz when you just shake it off of your shoulder it means trouble. I’m glad that I could confess myself these things. But I would be nowhere without Sunday :) I’m not quite good at expressing my feelings but she’ll teach me how to do that and I’ll teach her how to be more confident. I think it’s all going well, it’s not that easy as I thought it’s going to be but I’ll try my best. I don’t wanna be a rude person, I don’t want to hurt anybody, I don’t want to walk over on people’s feelings, coz actually I’m not that kind. I was born to help people, to listen to them and care about them when it’s needed just like my mother. And I wanna prove it that I’m able to change into a good person. School things are going okay anyways, we’re having our fall break this week. I gotta learn so much but I really can’t get myself into it. I spent a long weekend in Wien with my family. It was good to be there. I met via Sunday on Tuesday, we had fun! :) Yesterday I was out with some friends, watched Michael Jackson’s: This Is It! Damn. I’m speechless. It was quite unsettling. It completely came out onscreen how a good person he was. His every second word was Love and God bless you. He was an incredible person and I can’t say any more. Everyone needs to see that movie. It’s fantastic. The best movie I’ve seen nowadays. God bless you too, Michael! <3

Today I met with my girl, Réka. We cooked a fruit cake, it was such an interesting thing to do and funny of course. But at the end we were really satisfied. It was delicious. :)

About “my” boy…we haven’t talked since then. It’s freaking me out a lot. But I can’t do anything at all. I’m still saying myself that maybe tomorrow we’ll talk or something will happen…but nothing’s coming. Wish I could do something but I’m tired. Of course I know I deserve better than him but…I can see the whole word in his eyes. I saw. And I can see how idiot I actually am. No more words about this thing.

I think this is all for now.

xo

posted 2 years ago

12

He didn’t take home that girl. Wrong information. But I’ve got new things to tell. Uhmm. Let me remember…

Well, my week “started out so good and ended up so bad”

School’s okay, everything’s fine, I’m writing the tests I missed. We’re hanging out a lot in Plázs with my girls. I saw “my” boy there a few times too. Oh God, but I still can’t believe, I can’t understand. Why am I still into him???

Last night was insane. Some of my friends from Budapest came here to “my” boy’s place coz they’re his friends too. It seemed like they’re not coming to the party we’re going but later my girl told me that they’re coming to. Fantastic…

We drank at our friend’s place: 3 girls, 1 boy. We had fun, we played cards. When we played enough we decided to go down to the club. We danced a lot, we had fun, there were so many friends. And then “my” boy’s crew… One of them is my ex-boyfriend and we remained friends so it was good to see him again, he just came back from Switzerland. He plays football too :) “My” boy was always with an other girl, he was totally drunk and STUFF… Then I realized that I’m kissing with my ex. It was okay, but…it was a bit weird at the same time coz I’m not use to kiss someone I’m not into. Okay, fact 1: we were goint out, fact 2: and that’s just okay. He was with me all night but I couldn’t stop staring at “my” boy. He didn’t even give me a glance. His roommate picked up a girl too and they went home earlier. I don’t think I should continue this sentence…

We stayed there, til our shoes was on the floor, then we decided to join to the rest of the crew and went home with them. We laughed a lot, it was fun. “My” boy spent most of the time with us but he was talking with the others I just sat there empty, observing. Then he went into his room where the girl was. I had fun too with my ex. I came home in the morning, slept 2 and half hours, then started to study for tomorrow. I had a rest and I logged in to MSN. My girl was online so I started to chat with her. And that’s when my mind gone crazy. She told me that my ex and “my” boy called her up that she has 10 minutes to get ready, then the others joined, they went to Plázs, had fun and nobody mentioned my name..except one case called what happened between me and my ex…nobody missed me. I was sooo sooo upsed and mad and annoyed and everything. Why didn’t they invite me? I’m done. Everything’s my fault. I’m so done. I can’t take this anymore. This is the time when I need to change. I don’t care. Some say, okay, everyone says that never change the person you are, never pretend to be someone you’re not. I’m not gonna pretend..I’m gonna change. And now I see. “When you’re close, I don’t breathe, I can’t find the words to speak and I feel sparks…” That’s what I feel when he’s near me. I’m in fire inside but outside I’m ice cold. I want to be a noisy, cheerful girl who I really am and end up being shy when he’s near me. Coz that’s the fact. I can’t talk, I can’t move, I can’t breathe. I’m an idiot I know. I just can’t stop looking at him. I could spend all my life staring at him and a lifetime wouldn’t even be enough to get enough of it. This is why I’m sad. I keep lying to myself that I’m over him. I’m definitely not and it’s killing me. I know what he wants. I know what I want. I just can’t make the first step. He looks through me, he treats me like dirt and I can’t handle it. I need a change. I hate to say this. And I know it’s stupid to put everything on risk and give up everything for him. Coz he doesn’t deserve it. He’s overrated. I don’t know what should I do to forget him. Maybe this is fate. He’s gonna be my destiny. I know for sure. And this is where everything ends and this is when something new begins. New perspective. Good girl goes bad. I’m gonna change. I’m gonna be everything I’m not. And if it helps, then okay. I’m in. No way out. I gotta do this. Not just because of him. Because of me. I can’t rest til I try this thing out. I’m really tired of this topic and I’m sure you too but…this is life..sucks but that’s the only way we can learn. I don’t wanna fall back on my face again. And if I’ll lose this battle I truly would like to forget him. I mean…quit loving him. I don’t understand.. “my” boy and my girl hated each other a couple of months ago and now they’re like..best friends or something. I want to be his friend like her. And I don’t know what to do to get that title. Okay, I’m ending up writing this s*it, I gotta learn so much. And maybe if I’m studying I’m not gonna think about him too much. Not a chance I know but I’ll try. I want to write about good news next week. God, give me strength. I wanna be strong enough to bear this…

posted 2 years ago

11

Oh, God, I can’t believe it! I’m so pathetic :( I saw it coming, I knew it! But let’s go back in time. I spent the whole week at home, it was so relaxing and it filled me up so much. I don’t think that this feeling of freedom will come back soon. Hope it will. I didn’t do anything worth to mention, layed in bed, using my computer. I didn’t even open a book or something. I started to spend several hours of my time in Plázs, we’re having so much fun there! On Thursday I supposed to go to school, but I just didn’t feel like it, so I decided to visit my best classmate, checking homeworks and stuff,then I headed to the doctor’s again, then to get ready for a freaky afternoon with my girls. We went to Plázs of course, then to McDonald’s. We were talking about something funny when someone caught my eye. NO WAY! “My” boy was coming with his also hot roommate. I couldn’t believe it, I missed him so bad and I just couldn’t believe that he’s here. We ate, then we stopped outside of Plázs. They showed us pictures, unfortunately I couldn’t even see any of them. They must have been funny. This whole time he was so strange, he barely talked or looked at me. I was on my way to freak out, but I had to keep myself together. Then we said goodbye, and I laid my head down on my pillow alone again. I couldn’t sleep. I woke up at about 1 am, and said to myself that if it’s not 2 o’clock yet, I’m getting out of bed and do something tiring. I was just about to call up some of my friends, if there’s any chance for me to get to Budapest, and have a party @ Dokk Cafe, but I chased away the thought of it and decided to go to sleep at 4 am. Finally. The next day I woke up kinda early, coz I decided to go back to school,but just for the big recess. I rushed to the cafeteria, coz my girl had school practise there. Lucky me. I sat down at the same table where “my” boy’s roommate was. Ha had a 5some table just for himself. I sat down right in front of him. We had a great chat, I was complaining about my bad night, and the way how I wanted to get away somewhere, when his eyes popped out and said: We wanted to go to Dokk Cafe too, but we changed our minds. Oh S*it! I couldn’t believe what I heard! Whatever. I went home and asked “my” boy on MSN, if this is true, and he said, hell yes, we wanted to go, you should’ve tell me that you wanna come too. I asked him if he’s coming to this R’n’B party tonight, and he said yes. I was a bit happy that I knew that I’m gonna see him. The afternoon passed a bit slowly then I started to get ready. I went round to my girl’s place, we drank,then headed to the bus station. We usually go to these parties by bus coz it’s fun! We greeted some friends, then went down next to the lake. After a while we went inside. I wasn’t totally sober. I greeted friends agan, started to dance and a few hours after I became a member of a dance contest. An ipod was the prize. I didn’t win but I had so much fun with my girls. And that’s when I saw there “my” boy. He didn’t even pay attention to me, he didn’t even say hello. I was so upset. I tried to do not care about it but I couldn’t. Then I saw him going home with an other girl. I shocked, I was so mad, though I shouldn’t have been. I’m an idiot. Yeah, I know by now. At 3 am I called my father to pick me up, coz I couldn’t take this whole condition, I was freezing, my legs were shaking. It was the best for me to go home. Thoughts were messing with my head, I couldn’t sleep, then I gave in. I woke up a few hours later, and I’m still awake. I went to Plázs with my father, we spent there a little time, then I came home, studying, chatting and stuff. I was in a hope that “my” boy’ll call me up or something. I don’t know. I’m not use to being rejected, coz that’s how I feel right now. Though I know that I’m completely wrong about this.  I only want him now coz he doesn’t want me. And this is wrong. “Treat ‘em like dirt, they’ll stick forever to the bottom of your shoe…” Today is “our first anniversary”… We met just exactly a year ago. Should’ve never let him enter my life. There’ll always be girls who agree to join him for the night, and now I’m like, I don’t give a s*it, if that what he wants, okay, I’ll deal with it. Today I gotta learn a lot. We’re going to Plázs today to, I’ll try to plead my girl to call up these s*ckers to join us. Sometimes I think that it would be better for me to choose “the roommate”. He’s so intelligent, and he always seems to really care when we’re talking. I don’t know. Wondering what’s coming again. We’ll see. I’m tired. Think I’mma go to sleep. Thanks for checking in. See you guys later!

xo

posted 2 years ago

10

I don’t remember when was the last time I wrote. Now I’m starting to collect my thoughts and trying to remember what happened to me in these past days. I’m doing well at school, - more or less - everything’s okay, except the fact that I’m sick, and I can’t go to school til next Wednesday. We’re writing so many tests and I’m gonna miss them all…it’s freaking me out! The Party! Yeah, now I remember, last time I mentioned the “break up”, the phone call and that there’s gonna be a party..etc etc. I invited some friends around, coz my parents went away for the whole weekend. I met some old friends at the party, and I met that boy who I was really into years ago and for years. I texted “my” boy, but I didn’t notice that he replied. And while I was chatting with some friends, I just saw him coming in front of me. I was a bit shocked, he stopped a few yards away, looking at me. Totally HOT! I wrapped him around my arms and said hello. We just continued where we finished. And we made a deal…he’s not gonna go home without me, and I’m not gonna go home without him. Straight. But then I had there my old crush and his friend, and my girl, who had a crush my old crush’s friend. Okay, I hope it was clear :D And I had an other friend, whom we couldn’t find, but later we found him out of the club. He looked such a mess, so we called a cab. We went to my house, and sent my friend to sleep. He was so sick :S Then we had fun at the other room. FUN…not sex…Fun! In the morning the boys went home, and that was when I realized, that I should’ve talked to “my” boy before I left the club. Oh s*it :S I talked to him on MSN and he was quite upset…and that was rightful. Then another week started, and like I said, I became ill on Thursday. I didn’t go to school on Friday, I visited my doctor instead.  At the early night I got a phone call from my elder brother that he wants to go out. And I was like, okay, I’m sick, but I’ll go with you. We picked up his friend, then we rolled to one of my favourite places called “Plázs” . I drinked an ice coffee although I had a sore throat :S Then we ate at Mc’Donalds. Then I gave a ring to “my” boy. He called me back, and the next moment my bro was taking me to “my” boy’s house. We had a great night…not sex…just a great night. I repent it a bit, coz it was so good, but I didn’t want more that time. He was just the way he always is. Cheerful, sweet, irresistable…:) On Saturday I went to Plázs again with my girls. We had a great chat, I went home early. Today I went to my brother’s american football match. We won!!! It was so exciting, he even scored a touchdown too! I was so proud of him. Then we rolled home, I cleaned my room, and now I’m here. I’m a bit sleepy. Think I’m going to sleep now.

xoxo

posted 2 years ago

9

This is the middle of the week and I’m still smiling. I’m still happy. And everyone around me is surrounded by my happyness. And they can see it and feel it that I’m totally okay. I’m freaking them out, because I’m not crying and stuff, instead I’m holding my head high and smile. I realized that I’m much stronger than I thought I could ever be, and it’s such a good feeling. I’ve never thought that I can go on this easily…but I can, I’m able to. Last weekend I was totally broken, and couldn’t stop thinking about what did I do wrong, when I completely knew, that this is all not my fault. And just like my mom and my friends told me so…this thing is not finished…and yesterday it seemed that it’s definitely not. I was walking down the street with one of my girls, and we decided to call up “my” boy’s roommate,coz he’s such a good friend of my girl…he didn’t reply, so we called up “my” boy…then he texted…My girl told him that she’s with me, and his reply was:”Tell her, I said Hello!” I was like..okay…I say hello too…Then they started to text about regular things, later I went home. It was about 11 pm and I was still learning Literature when my phone rang. I was like, WTF, who’s missing me this late? And I saw the name…I didn’t know what to do, but then I answered. We had a great chat, he was so kind and cheerful, and it was like nothing ever happened last weekend. He started to talk about what did he do in these past days, I told him what I did, and it was just…so good. Then he said goodbye after a looong 5 seconds,told me to sleep well and talk to you soon and stuff. When I put my phone down I realized I was shaking. Totally shaking. I didn’t know why, maybe cause it was so good to hear his voice again. I don’t know what’s coming next…mom calls it Round number Two… :) After all, I’m happy that we’re talking again. I must admit that I really missed him..I’m not quite sure about what I want from him now, and what does he want from me, but I’ll figure it out. Now I just keep on being happy, and we’ll see. First of all I want to be his friend…and secondly..who knows? :) All I gotta do is just wait for the weekend, and everything reveals..I mean I hope so :)

xo

posted 2 years ago